“But I Don’t Want To Blame My Parents”
“But I don’t want to blame my parents” is a concern that I’ve heard many times in a therapy session. And the concern is valid, because therapy is not about blame – it’s about understanding and insights that can lead to more choice, contentment and authenticity.
When we explore the roots, dynamics and patterns of our struggles in a therapeutic setting, we are able to better understand the many complex and intertwined causes and contexts that created the coping mechanisms we live with. As we understand them, they start to make more sense, and we can appreciate who we are, how we came to be that way, and what it took to survive, adapt and protect ourselves. We can learn to see and appreciate more of our strengths, our courage, and our innate capacity for growth and integration. This often allows a loosening of the grip of our old, and perhaps limiting, worn-out strategies that keep us feeling stuck and trapped.
Often, when we are trying hard to not blame our parents, we are instead blaming ourselves. We may be painfully recreating the criticism, trauma and inflated sense of responsibility that we grew up with. And we may be repeating an almost invisible pattern of self-blame and fault-finding that leaves us feeling ashamed, confused, worthless and alone. As we truly understand more about how we got to be who we are, self-compassion increases, and the ability to live with less stress and more ease develops.
Additionally, with our growing understanding of inter-generational trauma and systemic oppression, it becomes possible to have less blame and more insight into those who may have hurt us by passing on dysfunctional patterns. This may allow a better understanding of our parents (and other people), which can in turn shift relationships. We can acknowledge that all people have their own struggles and histories, which do tend to repeat until they are actively understood and altered. This again can fuel an upward spiral of self-compassion, with more room for healing, acceptance and flourishing.
Therapy can help us move from blame to curiosity, from curiosity to understanding, from understanding to compassion, and from compassion to clarity, choice and genuine connection, within our ourselves and with others.
